I dyed (half of) my hair blue. Is this a side-effect of turning 19? Possibly. It turned out pretty great though, if I do say so myself. And I'd been wanting to do it for a loooong time. So no regrets.
And yes, you may be making comments like "dude wtf, 19 is young, what are you complaining about?" in your head, but it just gives me the creeps to think about this stuff. Last year I was looking forward to my birthday, because holy crap, I can finally do shit as an adult. It is LEGAL for me to buy alcohol. I can do transactions on the internet LEGALLY and under MY name. I don't need goddamn consent in order to go on a day trip to the neighboring country. I mean c'mon, even when I was around 15 or 16 I felt I should be allowed to do that shit on my own, and my opinion's not changed - I know many adults who make worse choices than I did back then. But now it's terrifying to think that I'll be in my twenties soon. Then thirties. Before I know it, I'll need dentures. But you know, whatever. If I can't stop time, I'll just try to make the most out of it.
I finished Flowers for Algernon. Magnificent. I don't think I had ever thought about what the world of a retarded person could be like before reading this. And boy, the irony is great: at first Charlie wanted so bad to be bright, but then when he surpassed the others in intelligence, he just wanted to be the old Charlie again.
Also, fuck CapCut. Apparently you now have to get their premium subscription if you want to export videos without a goddamn watermark. What a shitty joke this is. So now I had to search for the next best free video editor, and I installed DaVinci Resolve. Seems a whole lot more professional and difficult to use, but I'll manage. Let's see how this works out.
-M 16.12.2024
Alright, so I've read quite a few books recently that are just *kissy sound*. And I've written down some of the ideas that I'd like to come back to sometime, but they're all scattered around different notes on my phone SO I thought I'd put them here. So they're all in one place, and stay on the internet. Forever.
Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes
* A person who understands the world is either angry or disappointed in it. (A dull person doesn't understand enough to be angry)
* People are nice to you as long as they don't consider you a threat. When you start doing better than them, they'll hate you for it.
* Intelligent people don't idolize others, because they know that even the brightest, the prettiest, the coolest people are still just humans, they can only be so good.
* "There was something in you before. I don't know... a wamrth, an openness, a kindness that made everyone like you and like to have you around. Now, with all your intelligence and knowledge, there are differences that-" I couldn't let myself listen. "What did you expect? Did you think I'd remain a docile pup, wagging my tail and licking the foot that kicks me? Sure, all this has changed me and the way I think about myself. I no longer have to take the kind of crap that people have been handing me all my life."
* "How do you know what I feel? You take liberties with other people's minds. You can't tell how I feel or what I feel or why I feel."
* At the peak of Algernon's intelligence, his performance started to vary - sometimes he refused to work (even when hungry) or start to hurl himself against the walls.
* "I foolishly thought I could learn everything - all the knowledge in the world. Now I hope only to be able to know of its existence, and to understand one grain of it."
* "Although we know the end of the maze holds death, I see now that the path I choose through that maze makes me who I am."
Born a Crime by Trevor Noah
* "Comfort can be dangerous. Comfort provides a floor, but also a ceiling."
The Hours (movie, not a book, 2002)
* "I think I'm only staying alive to satisfy you." (Richard to Clarissa)
* Virginia understood that if she killed her heroine, it would likely push her readers to commit suicide.
* "You cannot find peace by avoiding life." (Virginia)
-M 11.12.2024
Ok, guess what. Yesterday I went to spar inside the ring for the first time. It felt fucking awesome. I sparred against two dudes (everyone else did bag work. which I wanted to do, too, at first, but then my trainer said 'yeah I think you should go punch and kick these guys a bit'.) I was shit at first, and even though they were told not to punch or kick and instead just defend, I felt like I wasn't doing much damage. Also SHEESH, I had forgotten how exhausting sparring is. And I also slipped and fell like at least four times. But anyways, each round I improved a bit, started switching levels, doing more combo attacks instead of single strikes, and switching my weight around. Once again, awesome.
PS. Went out with Sirlie yesterday, and I drank a whole 1l bottle of some cheap energy drink that was bottled up like engine oil (no, seriously) together with some herb liquor. Very nice combo, 10/10 recommend.
PPS. Today is the first of December and I am NOT looking forward to Christmas. All those damn songs and cheerfulness and constant buying. And neither do I feel ready for my birthday, the year has gone by too quickly.
-M 1.12.2024
Welp. I just spent my Friday evening researching artificial intelligence and what it could be like in a few years. Truth be told, I am scared shitless. Longevity escape velocity? You familiar with that concept? Well, if not, let me enlighten you. It's a theory that the pace at which advancements in technology and medicine are made will become so ridiculously fast that, as time passes, a person actually gains time instead of losing it. A year in your life passes, but your remaining life expectancy (instead of decreasing by one year) actually increases. Fucking crazy. I know, I know - on one hand, of course it's pretty cool. But if you think about it, we already have an aging population, so if the elderly live even longer, what will happen? And also, am I the only one who doesn't see the point in living til 100? I don't want to be weak and barely alive with an aching hip and a declining brain function. Even if technology can somehow make the pain of your senior days go away, or give you a brainchip that will help you with Alzheimer's, I don't want that. It feels fake. I don't want drugs to make me forget my hip pain, or a goddamn piece of metal in my head.
Another thing I learnt about is technological singularity. Basically, it's the point at which computers become smarter than humans. Human intelligence has only been in a slight incline for the thousands of years that we've lived on this planet, but computer intelligence, on the other hand, is increasing exponentially. So, if computers surpass humans in intelligence, they will probably be able to improve themselves, get smarter even faster, and next thing you know we have The Matrix. :) Isn't that exciting?
I fucking hate routine. I know, I know, routine is basically all that has kept me going. It's the reason why I've developed so much - where would I be if i didn't have a workout plan in place? If I didn't drag myself out of bed to go to school every dya? I wouldn't be able to do a single push up, and I'd be a whole lot dumber. I wouldn't be earning money doing those repetitive translations and proofreadings on Fiverr. I wouldn't be constantly trying to learn more - every goddamn second. If I have a day off, I still wake up at 8 or 9, make a healthyass breakfast full of protein, and get straight to watching educational videos on YouTube/learning programming/etc. And for what fucking reason?? I honestly don't know. It kind of goes against my own beliefs - that you can never actually be ready for life, and that everything sucks. Sigh.
My point is: I think I need to change something. Not force myself to always be so great and do the rational thing. Because I feel I'm actually becoming more stupid this way. I can feel something's not right in my nervous system. My mind and muscles are under constant strain. I shake way too easily (or is this normal?).
I also feel like I'm forgetting stuff more often. Zum Beispiel: just a second ago I thought of some striking idea to write down here. But I forgot.
And I'm scared of becoming old. How the fuck have the past years gone by so fast??? I'm gonna turn 19 in about a month, for fucks sake. I'm no longer a kiddo. Ok, scratch that, I don't think I have anything against turning older (because I finally get to do everything that I've wanted to do for years), but more the fact that I expected I'd already be awesome by the time I'm an adult - that I'd be running a business or making a shit ton of money online or just being really good at something, I guess. Well, that didn't go as planned. BTW, 16-year-old me, if you're reading this then fuck you. Why didn't you stick to learning coding CONSISTENTLY, huh?? I would be a goddamn pro at programming by now. Oh. But then there'd be the routine again. To actually be good at programming by 18, I should've been devoting a couple of hours each day to it. Aaaand that would've been borrrrring, right? Learning something when you do it only for the sake of consistency instead of doing it because you WANT to do it?
Ok, I think I've found the problem during this deligthful discussion with whoever the fuck is reading: being disciplined. Do I want to be disciplined? I know I'm good at it - I never ever skip a training session, I eat stuff only for its nutritional value, I only do stuff that will likely benefit me in the future. But at the same time I feel like that's the reason why I'm becoming more and more like a damn robot. I don't THINK about things. If it doesn't concern me then I don't care. If something bothers me, I just tolerate it. WHY. What happened to me? Why don't I go batshit crazy anymore when a baby is crying in the bus? Why am I not angry? CUZ I DON'T THINK. And cuz I'm too tired to deal with anything other than building my future and whatever.
Alright. I've reached a conclusion with this longass rant.
Fuck productivity, fuck discipline, fuck future. I don't know what the future holds anyways, so it's stupid to worry.
From now on, I'll spend more time trying to feel what I actually want to do at a certain moment, instead of getting out my damn to do list. From now on, I'll try to chill and rest more, so that I have time and energy to FEEL and THINK and BE FUCKING ANGRY if I want to be fucking angry.
Stop thinking you're not allowed to have an opinion.
Stop not doing shit cuz of consequences. Fuck consequences.
Stop trying to be nonchalant because you're focusing on building a better future, and instead focus on the good and shit things that are infront of you right now.
Stop feeling like you need to change yourself infront of others. You don't.
Stop thinking you can do everything, and that you're at fault for everything. No.
Thank you for listening to my TED talk.
Ohhhhh but also, I shouldn't, like, COMPLETELY abandon my routine and goals. Because how else am I gonna get awesome skills and stuff?
-M 24.10.2024